Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
from now on my penis is your penis
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
