She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
