That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
