i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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