I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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