He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
