just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
