I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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