My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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