Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
