It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
