no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
