last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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