I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize