Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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