Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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