You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found the puke drawer
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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