Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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