You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
