Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
