after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
