turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
