It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize