Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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