he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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