so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
