I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
