Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
if only i could text you this smell
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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