this beer tastes like vomit already
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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