smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
