guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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