woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
