i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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