Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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