I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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