I need help removing her.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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