is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
