The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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