My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
