One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
