I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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