I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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