I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
