You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
