i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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