Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
