i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
