I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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