the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
whose ass print is on the piano?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
