and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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