my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
