Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
