So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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