I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
