onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
