fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
