take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's never too late to be topless.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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