Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
