This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
